Tuesday, November 30, 2004
years go by
I haven't updated for ages. Oh and look, people HAVE noticed. Right. I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. About being grateful, how much my relationships with certain people have changed, my life over the past 2 years in particular, confidence, how much I've changed and about who I am.
I was thinking about something Nicole said once after church when we were waiting for her dad at the bus stop. I think we were talking about how well someone sings and then about voice lessons. She said something like shouldn't you just be grateful that you CAN sing. So what if you don't stand out when you sing? It got me thinking about whether I was grateful. Am I thankful that I am able to do all the things that I can do? Am I thankful that I'm able to go to all the places I've been able to go to? Am I thankful for all the friends and family that care for me? S-I-G-H. I think that there are times when I really take everything and everyone for granted. Or at least, I don't treat them the way I should. Like my mum, I think sometimes I talk down to her or I yell at her too much. I think I'm really really lazy too and don't help her enough. I hope I can change for the better - in every sense. [Hannah's reply to this: You will over time =) just keep believing]
I don't understand how people can be so confident. I am forever doubting, but then again I suffer from a major inferiority complex. Or is it because of the way I look? My sister said that I've achieved many things and that there are many more things, great things, for me to achieve - I just have to be confident. It sounds so simple doesn't it? Being confident...Ting and Char say I look taller than I actually am. I don't know if that means I'm proud or confident. But if I am confident, why am I always doubting? Why am I always so....lost? Unsure? Afraid?
When you're best friends, or good friends, with a person, you can talk to them about everything and anything right? Well, that's what I think. There were these few girls I've grown up with - I thought they were my best friends. Thing is, I don't think I can talk to them about how I feel about certain things or about how I feel in general. When I talk about my life, it feels like it doesn't matter. For some reason, I tend to get the idea that they're being very idealistic and not realistic...They don't seem to think much about stuff that's important to me. I feel really insignificant next to them. I've gotten to know a lot of people especially in the past 2 years. Sometimes, it's really hard to distinguish your REAL friends from your acquantainces. When they suddenly exclude you from something or don't treat you well, it hurts. I hate being subjected to that. But I think, now, I have a pretty good idea of who my real friends are. =) Thank goodness. Oh, and I love all my real friends. =) THANKS HEAPS PEOPLE!
I've really changed over the past 2 years. Haven't I? That's not a rhetorical question. I don't know whether I've changed for the better or for worse. And that's something that's been bugging me for ages. I'm really lost. I have no idea who I am. Yea, I know I'm Madhavi Rangaiah. But what kind of person am I? People keep telling me contradicting things about who I am....so who am I? I really would like to know. A person can only change if they know what to change about them. And I do wanna become a better person.
God of Wonders, THANK YOU! for everything. You are truly awesome and holy. I will be still and know that You are God. I love You. Guide me, for I am so very lost. Guide me to You.
ranaway5:24 PM
